Being a Dad is probably the most difficult and rewarding things to do in life. There is, of course, no one right way to do it, either.
My wife and I struggled immensely to conceive. It was an incredibly painful time for us both. I remember always getting a little teary when the reading from Genesis 26 was read in church (God promising Abraham his offspring would number the stars of the heaven). It also seemed as though as all our friends were popping them out like smarties.
My wife and I went through scans, checks, and tests to ascertain why we weren’t conceiving, but there was no obvious answer. These checks seemed to take an eternity in between waiting for appointments, results, and analysis to the point where one doctor just admitted that it might not be something we will be able to do.
What can someone do in the meantime? I prayed so hard. I remember trying all sorts, from pretending to spiritually mature about it and just accepting God’s will on the matter, to being angry with God, to attempting to make deals with God: “I promise I’ll bring them up as a good sound Christian if you would just trust me”. As though God could be bargained with. These are all stages of mourning and perhaps I was beginning the process of mourning the loss of the vision of becoming a Dad.
I wouldn’t say we have up on the idea, but we were getting over the fact that it wasn’t going to be easy and this was going to be a long process. I know my wife and I were still looking to conceive naturally because we hadn’t gone down the adoption route by this point.
One day, it happened! Quite unexpectantly and out of the blue, my wife came from upstairs with a positive pregnancy test in her hand. We immediately went out to purchase about five or six more. I couldn’t believe God had been so kind. It is so often the case that we pray so hard for things in the hope that God will answer them, like some sort of divine Santa Clause, but when he actually does, we can’t believe it.
I still analyse to this day what God was doing in those years of waiting. But although I went through stages of pleading, anger, bargaining with Him, He was there. You can’t argue with someone who isn’t there, you can’t plead with someone who isn’t there, nor can you bargain with them. He was there throughout it.
I don’t know if this was His intention, but I certainly have a kindness and compassion for those who cannot conceive. It has always guided my planning and preparation for services such as Mothering Sunday and Father’s Day. An acknowledgement that these may not be joyful and pain-free days for some.
Most of all it has awakened me to realise what a precious vocation parenting is from God. We are increasingly living in a ‘nanny-state’ society, where many parents expect someone or something else to bring up our children. Leaving huge lessons and experiences in the hands of our schools or the media.
Now I am a father of four, I realise more importantly than ever the significant role I play in the upbringing of my children. I get annoyed sometimes when I see that the first twenty minutes of my children’s school day is spent brushing their teeth. Or when I was Head of Governors at a primary school, huge chunks of governors meetings were spent on the appropriate curriculum for teaching children about relationships and sex.
I am my children’s father and together wife my amazing wife, we will send our children to school in clean clothes and brushed teeth, with breakfast in their bellies, and we will teach them about values, character, ethics, morals. We don’t rely on the school to do that for us. I realise not every family is in the same, privileged boat, hence the need for it. It is not my intention to judge.
However, when we are given the gift of children (through birth, adoption, fostering, or otherwise), we are given an immense and profound vocation from God. We need His strength and His grace to get us through.
I remember being told in some counselling I received once, that hardest thing we need to come to terms with in life is that our parents were not perfect, and that the hardest thing we have to come to terms with as parents is that we will not be perfect. But isn’t that the whole discovery of self in our Christian faith? The discovery that we are not perfect and therefore rely entirely on the saving, loving, and merciful grace of God.
No one is a perfect parent. Thanks God He didn’t require that when He gives the vocation of parenthood. We don’t need to rely on our perfection, we need to rely on His perfection.