Category: Family

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My Wife

I am not a perfect husband. In fact, I’ve been pretty disgraceful in the past. There could be some people out there today who would be shocked that a guy like me is daring to write a blog on being a Christian, being a Dad, and being a Husband.

My wife isn’t perfect either, but she is amazing! She is the most forgiving, patient, graceful, and strong person I know. Although I brought my wife to faith, when we started dating as teenagers, her faith is immensely more strong yet humble than mine. I am a lucky guy, but I do acknowledge that I need to constantly work at being a husband.

There have been many points in our relationship where she has amazed me. One particular point was when I sat next to her as she gave birth. I remember her being so tired, so exhausted, yet this was the point she needed to push harder than ever. I remember thinking, please let me take over, let her rest a bit. There was no time for rest, there was no possibility anyone else could do it for her. It was at that moment I realised there has never been a point in my life where I couldn’t quit, take a break, or cheat. My wife had no such option.

It was all rosy from that moment onwards. No way!

Sadly, I went on to make some huge mistakes in marriage. The only saving grace is I can honestly say is I’ve never hurt her physically, but that’s a small and insignificant boast. I’ve done things which have resulted in us needing marriage counselling, a renewal of vows, and a total rebuild of trust.

But like with any other aspect of the Christian life, it is more about depending on forgiveness and mercy rather than ability and strength. I am so glad that my wife’s faith is of such a maturity that she is able encapsulate some of the immense forgiveness and mercy of God. Thanks to her we have been able to rebuild our marriage to a much stronger position.

What did we learn from the bible about marriage? There have been loads of passages we have both poured over as we have sought God’s guidance on our marriage, but two still stick out today.

Proverbs 31, 10-31: This could be somewhat of a controversial passage in the contemporary world. However, my own wife said most good wives and mothers are probably already doing a lot of that, and remember, it’s not about perfection, because of Jesus, it’s about imperfect people relying on the perfection of God’s love shown to us through Jesus.

Verse 21 stood out for us though: “She in not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.” Why would the scriptures care about something as vain as the particular clothing of a woman. Some versions talks about being double clothed. In other words, this verse is not so much about dressing nice, but being prepared for cold days. My archdeacon also pointed out that the colour of the clothing is significant. Scarlet is associated with being a royal colour. In other words, your wife is as good as your Queen. When there is not only a deep love, but also a deep reverence, trust, loyalty, and respect between a couple, when the winter comes, you will be prepared. A good marriage does not equal a perfect life. There will be rubbish moments, there will be significant testing, there will be moments of anger, resent, frustration, and grass may well appear to be greener on other side. But if your wife is your Queen, you will be prepared to weather that winter.

My wife was not my Queen, and so our marriage nearly died during the bitter winter. Since I have put my wife as my Queen, our marriage is better.

The other passage which hit us both is from Genesis 1, 27: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” This is such an often repeated passage that I must have read over 1000 times without appreciating the full value. We both wondered why this had come up in a study for married couples. Assuming it might being making a point about same sex marriages? Why would they feel the need to do that? The more we went through it, the more we focused on the word ‘image’. I think, whenever I’ve read that in the past, I’ve just assumed it meant that we bear some form of physical likeness to God. That our image is perhaps a resemblance of something He looks like.

However, we have come to see this more about the significance of God rather than what He looks like. When God created humankind, he gave us something of His significance. There is not a single person on this planet who is not hugely significant to God. There is not a single person for whom the death and salvation of His own Son is not beneficial. If that is true for every individual, then that is true for every parent, every married couple. What we do with our lives is hugely significant. That is why we need to walk in the paths of Jesus, for we do not know where we are going; follow Jesus.

If you are a married guy, never assume your marriage is solid and that winter will never come. It will. Never assume your marriage will be perfect and will no longer require effort, hard work, and commitment. It does.

But your marriage matters to God. It’s part of His plan and is hugely significant to His created order. We will fail at this task, but Jesus has died for your marriage. Jesus could have given up on the cross, but he completed the task and redeemed us all. You may, like me, have made some huge mistakes, but no truly repentant person is beyond the redeeming salvation of Jesus. Work at it, it can be redeemed.

Thank you, my love.

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Becoming a Dad

Being a Dad is probably the most difficult and rewarding things to do in life. There is, of course, no one right way to do it, either.

My wife and I struggled immensely to conceive. It was an incredibly painful time for us both. I remember always getting a little teary when the reading from Genesis 26 was read in church (God promising Abraham his offspring would number the stars of the heaven). It also seemed as though as all our friends were popping them out like smarties.

My wife and I went through scans, checks, and tests to ascertain why we weren’t conceiving, but there was no obvious answer. These checks seemed to take an eternity in between waiting for appointments, results, and analysis to the point where one doctor just admitted that it might not be something we will be able to do.

What can someone do in the meantime? I prayed so hard. I remember trying all sorts, from pretending to spiritually mature about it and just accepting God’s will on the matter, to being angry with God, to attempting to make deals with God: “I promise I’ll bring them up as a good sound Christian if you would just trust me”. As though God could be bargained with. These are all stages of mourning and perhaps I was beginning the process of mourning the loss of the vision of becoming a Dad.

I wouldn’t say we have up on the idea, but we were getting over the fact that it wasn’t going to be easy and this was going to be a long process. I know my wife and I were still looking to conceive naturally because we hadn’t gone down the adoption route by this point.

One day, it happened! Quite unexpectantly and out of the blue, my wife came from upstairs with a positive pregnancy test in her hand. We immediately went out to purchase about five or six more. I couldn’t believe God had been so kind. It is so often the case that we pray so hard for things in the hope that God will answer them, like some sort of divine Santa Clause, but when he actually does, we can’t believe it.

I still analyse to this day what God was doing in those years of waiting. But although I went through stages of pleading, anger, bargaining with Him, He was there. You can’t argue with someone who isn’t there, you can’t plead with someone who isn’t there, nor can you bargain with them. He was there throughout it.

I don’t know if this was His intention, but I certainly have a kindness and compassion for those who cannot conceive. It has always guided my planning and preparation for services such as Mothering Sunday and Father’s Day. An acknowledgement that these may not be joyful and pain-free days for some.

Most of all it has awakened me to realise what a precious vocation parenting is from God. We are increasingly living in a ‘nanny-state’ society, where many parents expect someone or something else to bring up our children. Leaving huge lessons and experiences in the hands of our schools or the media.

Now I am a father of four, I realise more importantly than ever the significant role I play in the upbringing of my children. I get annoyed sometimes when I see that the first twenty minutes of my children’s school day is spent brushing their teeth. Or when I was Head of Governors at a primary school, huge chunks of governors meetings were spent on the appropriate curriculum for teaching children about relationships and sex.

I am my children’s father and together wife my amazing wife, we will send our children to school in clean clothes and brushed teeth, with breakfast in their bellies, and we will teach them about values, character, ethics, morals. We don’t rely on the school to do that for us. I realise not every family is in the same, privileged boat, hence the need for it. It is not my intention to judge.

However, when we are given the gift of children (through birth, adoption, fostering, or otherwise), we are given an immense and profound vocation from God. We need His strength and His grace to get us through.

I remember being told in some counselling I received once, that hardest thing we need to come to terms with in life is that our parents were not perfect, and that the hardest thing we have to come to terms with as parents is that we will not be perfect. But isn’t that the whole discovery of self in our Christian faith? The discovery that we are not perfect and therefore rely entirely on the saving, loving, and merciful grace of God.

No one is a perfect parent. Thanks God He didn’t require that when He gives the vocation of parenthood. We don’t need to rely on our perfection, we need to rely on His perfection.