My Christian journey cannot be marked by a massive, cataclysmic moment. Instead, it has been a journey of staged developments. I often like to say, less of a Paul and more of a Nicodemus.

Nicodemus has always been an interesting character to me. Someone who perhaps isn’t convinced by Jesus at first, but keeps coming back. I am amazed how Jesus is willing to let him go away with his half understand, his partial faith, in the confidence that he will be back for more!

We first encounter Nicodemus in John chapter three. Almost immediately, in verse two, Nicodemus is portrayed as someone who could be a problem to Jesus. He is a Pharisee (we know they are problematic) and he comes by night. The night-time gives the illusion of something sinister, something he wouldn’t be willing to do in broad daylight, in front of others. However, this interaction delves deeply into the very nature of salvation and how Jesus’ disciples and future disciples will one day find it. Nicodemus struggles with this. We don’t know for sure what happened to him; John merely writes, ‘after this’ and then moves onto Jesus’ baptism. However, in chapter 7, Nicodemus is mentioned again. John describes him as being the one who went to see him before (chapter 3) and who was “one of them”. I am so interested in this. Was one of the Pharisees still? Or one of Jesus’ followers? Or both? Either way, we see a deepening of Nicodemus here as he is no longer operating under the shadow of night, he is now willing to stand up for Jesus and begin taking the risk of being associated with him. Then, in chapter nineteen, Nicodemus seems to have undergone a major transformation as he is accompanying Joseph of Arimathea in preparing Jesus’ body for burial. This is a tremendous risk. Being associated with Jesus at this point could have been a death sentence. It was a risk many of His direct disciples were no willing to take. Somehow, along this journey throughout John’s gospel, we see a man not totally convinced at first, slowly coming to faith, and showing signs of a deeper working of God’s grace each time we encounter him.

Well!! How does this relate to me?

I was brought up in the church, mainly by my mother. We were involved in church life, singing in the choir and my mother taking positions of office within the church. But perhaps, a key figure at this point, was my childhood Vicar who was on fire with the Holy Spirit and a true inspiration. I was often captivated by his ministry. I grew up knowing stories about God and Jesus, and was familiar with the Bible and worship. Unlike Nicodemus, I wouldn’t say I was ashamed of going to church, nor ashamed of knowing about God. But was perhaps yet to come to an exclamation of faith.

The voice of God

When I was about twelve, our church choir had a new director. He really brought the music of the church to life. The choir excelled and singing became a really important part of my life. It was whilst singing praises and worship to God that I heard the voice of God for the first time. It was very much a voice of, “I am here”. It was my first conversation with Him. For the first time, I knew that everything I had been told about, everything I understood, was true! He is there. He is listening. He exists!

But that was not all. As I entered into my teenage years, like a lot of teenagers, I thought I knew it all! I accepted God was there. I had met and interacted with Him. But surely it was on my terms. It was up to me when and where I needed God and, like a Santa Clause, I could present my wishes to him as and when I needed something. Much of my prayers consisted of, ‘please let me get past this level’ on a computer game, or ‘please let Wales win!’

The Christian Union

Then when I was about fifteen or sixteen, my physics teacher set up a Christian Union in my school. There were only about four or five of us, but he used to prepare amazingly in depth bible sessions. I remember one week getting quite annoyed that all his arguments came from his biblical understanding. But what about feelings? What if the bible makes me feel uncomfortable? I argued that surely the bible is just a book, and it’s how we feel about God that can over-ride scripture?!

As the days went by, I felt a huge sense of unease. I knew what I had said was wrong. But I didn’t understand why or how. It was almost a feeling of guilt. Like a child who had done something wrong and was just waiting for the axe to drop, so too had my relationship become with God.

I went to see my physics teacher a few days later and said, “I think I might be wrong”. His eyes filled with tears and said,”I’d been praying that you would come”. It was then I realised this relationship is totally the other way round. God doesn’t operate on my terms. It’s on His terms. It’s not about my feelings, but about His grace. This turned my life upside down!

I’m here!

The next big part of me journey came much later. I had been selected to train as a minister (perhaps this in a different blog), been to college, and ordained. During college, I fell very much into an Anglo-Catholic tradition of the Anglican Church. I liked the devotion, the tranquility, the drama of the ceremony, and the authority. However, the fascination wore off. I remember once sitting in my study, a parish priest, and praying the rosary. I remember this was the second time I heard God say, “I am here”.

This time it wasn’t so much of a “I exist” calling. More of a “why don’t you just talk to me”. Why go round the houses. Why use all these liturgical toys, why go via God through anyone but Jesus Himself? “Just come and speak to me”. I am not by any means criticising those who do. If it works for you, then go for it. But I realised then I didn’t need that stuff. I became free.